Shaggy’s Zine: The Sausage Issue
This zine is dedicated to all the dudes around the country. They come in groups, chug plenty of beers, acting loud and obnoxious and picking fight with anyone that crosses their path.
They love the company of other dudes. If they go to a bar and they have a choice to talk to a woman or to a guy, they will approach the woman, say something creepy or hateful, scare her away and bond with the dude. Get 2 dudes together it will turn into 3 eventually you will have a whole circle of dudes and they’re all talking loudly to each other. This is how you form a sausage party. Read the following stories on what’s up with the dudes – so get your pan and oil fry those sausages it’s going to be a hot one.
” I jumped off the sofa and started shaking my head and scream to Bob that my hair is onfire.”
My buddy Bob was at a cafe and some girl he did not know approached him and invited him to a going away party she was having at a bar. She wanted everyone to dress in black and white with black under their eyes to look like a panda. After she walked away Bob watched her and noticed she was going up to every single dude she didn’t know and invited them to the party. When I ran into Bob that day he told me the story and I convinced him we got to crash it. I will turn this shit inside out.
So Bob took my word and we crashed the panda party. Bob and I did not at all dress anything like a fucking panda. When we got to the bar the place was packed with dudes and the girl that invited us was running from table to table while all these dudes were following her around like a bunch of lost puppies. Even though I was not invited she had no idea she didn’t invite me. Every time she came over to us, I wold put my arm around her like she was my girlfriend and all her little followers would run away. Even though I was aggressive and I would scare the girl away, I was guaranteed she would come back for more. I would start whispering stuff into her ear, telling her why doesn’t she get on of her dweeb followers to get her a drink and pass it to me. I never was able to get her to get me a drink. While all this was going on, I was sitting on a sofa and in front of me was a coffee table and another sofa with a lesbian couple sitting on a sofa. I wasn’t sure if they were part of the sausage party but by the way they were acting I wouldn’t be surprised if they were part of the party. Anyway the one girl has her foot resting on the coffee table (rude) and decides to stick the heel of her shoe into a burning candle for some unknown reason (bored). Eventually the bar started slowly to smell like burnt rubber from this girl being an obnoxious fucking asshole. I jumped off the sofa and started shaking my head and scream to Bob that my hair is on fire. I start patting my head like I am trying to put out the hair on fire. I’m winking my eye to let him know I’m not serious. More and more people notice what I’m doing and everything clicks in their brain when they start smelling the burnt rubber from the lesbo’s shoe, and everyone starts casually walking out the door. The lesbo yells out he’s just paranoid but no one can hear her due to the loud music. The DJ stops playing the music and I successfully ended the sausage party.
“I am greeted by the owner Acidface with a baseball bat and he’s freaking out about me breaking into the house.”
One guy that I know drops a lot of acid. I seen him walk on the ave. He invites me to his party the following weekend, my first question was is there going to be girls at this party? His reply was yeah. The weekend comes and I go to his house after I was done skating. I ring the bell and no one answers. On the 2nd floor you can hear loud metal music. Everyone knows what metal music attracts! Dudes!
Since no one is answering the door I climb through the window, once I get inside I am greeted by the owner Acidface with a baseball bat and he’s freaking out about me breaking into the house. but he lets me in. I look around and it’s all drunken Brazilian metalheads. There’s one girl and she of course if with her boyfriend. We go upstairs where the music is playing. Eventually, a wrestling match starts ’cause boys will be boys and me growing up I was a huge fan of wrestling. I don’t get involved but I cheer them on by screaming from the top of my lungs. At first I’m screaming for one dude to the other dude to throw him out the second floor window ’cause that’s the type of shit you do when you wrestle. And before I know it I am screaming all these homosexual remarks. Grab his ass and pick him up, wrench his balls. I was fully getting into this wrestling match. I did not care about girls. I was enjoying this sausage party. It was the best sausage party I attended.
The wrestling ends and all the dudes go downstairs so we can take photos. I get the camera and gather all the dudes together and suggest for them to take all their shirts off. I start getting weird vibes from the dudes. I see a cookie jar and freak out and start screaming “Let’s play the cookie game!” as I’m whipping cookies at all the dudes.
One dude asks what’s the cookie game. I scream loud enough for the party to hear we’ll have a circle jerk on the cookie, last one that cums on the cookie has to eat it. The biggest Brazilian metalhead comes up to me and tells me “I am sick of all your homosexual remarks get the fuck out of here right now.” I grab my board and tell him enjoy the rest of your night. Have fun at the sausage party.
A Postcard from the future!
Bob (Shaggy) Crawford 