Picture: from shaggysk8es/twitter.com
by Bob Shaggy Crawford
Everyone goes out with a blast on New Year’s. Some people are civilized going out to dinner with friends and family, while others get shitfaced to the fullest extent. I had my moments, drinking at least 640 ounces of malt liquor and smoking weed. That didn’t go too well. I ended up in my girlfriend’s bathroom way before the ball dropped, on my knees, face in the toilet with my arm around her dog’s neck, apologizing to Scrappy for being wasted. Scrappy was very passionate towards me, showing her love by licking my face. Moments like that make me feel like animals understand me better than humans. So, I’m not one to preach. I’ve had my sloppy times on New Year’s Eve.
A lot of my New Year’s Eves have been pretty fucking epic: pissing on parked cop cars, walking the street aimlessly with nowhere to go, running into people at the last minute and crashing parties I was not invited to. One thing I did learn is if you lurk the streets, you will somehow manage to crash someone’s party. I managed to be in this situation many times as I wander aimlessly around the streets of New York City during the holidays. Moments like these are priceless.
As I got older, I learned not to get so wasted on New Year’s Eve. But then again, I actually never really did learn. I can see myself getting wasted at parties when I’m 65. The only reason I don’t get wasted on New Year’s Eve for the past couple of years is that I have been actually keeping a low profile. Maybe I’m just getting lame. I did go to a party a couple of years ago, and yes, I got wasted. What’s the point of going out on New Year’s Eve if you’re not going to get wasted? From what I recall, my girlfriend at the time was driving home and I kept grabbing the steering wheel and making her swerve. What’s the point of driving on New Year’s Eve if you’re not going to swerve your car all over the road? So, the last time I got drunk on New Year’s Eve I turned into a complete fucking reckless asshole and when I think about it, I definitely feel guilty.
I had another shitty New Year’s Eve locked up in another girlfriend’s apartment watching her mother’s dead beat boyfriend play video games and act like a complete bitch to me. He felt disrespected because I didn’t shake his hand when I walked in. They guy was playing video games and I didn’t want to interrupt him. Then, he has a hissy fit and storms out. All this bullshit was blamed on me. That night, I was kicking myself in the ass. It was a warm night and I would have had a better time if I went skating. But, these are the things you have to sacrifice when you’re in a relationship. I’m just happy I don’t talk to that girlfriend anymore. Her mother was a piece of shit who hustled me money for her daughter’s college education. How low can you go?
Another girlfriend I dated had a yearly New Year’s Eve tradition of meeting her old high school friends for dinner. I can barely remember most of the times I went to this event with her. I was always ahead of everyone when it came to drinking. I would show up at the dinner wasted. I had no desire to show up at these events with her. So, I figured if I am going to be somewhere I don’t want to be I might as well get fucked up before I get there. I’m sure her friends knew I was drunk but I didn’t act like an asshole. Forty ounces of malt liquor was my choice of drink: Crazy Horse, Colt 45 or St. Ides were the brands I liked. When I drank 40’s on the train all of the dudes from Newark would be freaking out giving props. Back then, it wasn’t common to see a white boy drinking a 40 on the train.
I dated the girl with the New Year’s Eve dinner tradition for 10 years. I have nothing bad to say about her and learned a lot from her. She was one of the smartest people I have ever met in my life and by dating her I was able to learn a lot from reading books and writing. She introduced me to my first journal and to this day I am always writing in a journal. Thanks to her I’ve been writing in a journal ever since. I am very thankful that she was a big part of my life. So, for 10 years, once a year, I would attend dinner events with her and her high school friends. The funny thing about this is that two of her friends found me on Twitter and are now following me. But, I didn’t follow them back because I just think it would be awkward to regroup with her friends even though it is on a social network. I would rather just pretend that they don’t exist in my life because we’ve all moved on and I don’t have anything to do with them.
One year, the dinner event was at Times Square and I was so fucking pissed. The last place I wanted to be on New Year’s Eve was Times Square — talk about walking through the gates of hell. I don’t know how I did it but I actually made it to the restaurant in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. They planned to have it there because one of their friends had an apartment right in the neighborhood. But, I was able to manage to make plans after our dinner to go somewhere else instead of hanging out with her high school friends. She was good about it and we had a nice New Year’s Eve without hanging out with her friends. If I could make plans to go to a show and if the show was worth it, she had no problem blowing off her friends after dinner.
For some reason, its seems like a lot more was going on during the pre-Internet days and A lot of good shows were around then that I never see listed these days. Tickets were also more affordable unlike today. I was able to by tickets at the door a couple of days before the event. Back then, you really had to be a part of the scene to actually know what was going on. These days, all you need is an iPhone and everything is blasted and any jerk-off can show up at the show. So, these days, when you go to a show and you see a bunch of jocks drinking beers and talking about sports throughout the whole show and paying no mind to the band they paid to see, you can blame that on the Internet.
Going to see a band play now is not the same. You can always find that asshole (too many) holding a camera up in the air throughout the whole show filming it for their YouTube channel. Going to a show is not as meaningful as it was during the pre-Internet days. Why bother going to the show if you can just watch it on YouTube? Right !!! Why support a band that you’re into when you can just download their album onto your computer. Right!!! This explains why bands have to spend their lives on the road. They don’t make any money off their CD’s because they rarely exist these days.
So, being in a band or some kind of artist these days is really not worth it. The people that claim they’re your fans are fucking raping you — unless they go to a show without their high tech expensive digital camera and buy a T-shirt or a CD from your table. Sorry to say, most fans are not there to spend money. If a band really wants to cash in instead of displaying T-shirts and CD’s on the merchandise tables, start selling iPhones and digital cameras. Have Apple sponsor your concert.
Pre-Internet days I always found a good underground show to go to on New Year’s Eve. Now, I find myself doing nothing on New Year’s Eve, except sit at Starbuck’s and complain about the tourists taking over New York City. The most happening thing you will find in New York City on New Year’s Eve is all the tourists waiting in line at the bathroom at Starbuck’s. I just sit there and laugh and make fun of them. Their misery is my entertainment on New Year’s Eve — pretty fucking pathetic!
So, I always tried to find something to do on New Year’s Eve to avoid hanging out with my girlfriend’s high school friends. I had nothing personal against them but they were not the type of people I would hang out with — especially on New Year’s Eve.
I was a dog during the relationship. I never bragged to friends or told anyone, but sad to say, I was a fucking piece of shit cheater. I guess I was insecure and dated other girls. The amount was so high that I couldn’t keep track of how many girls were my side dish. But, the good thing about it was I was not fucking all these girls. I was just hanging out and making out. I never got caught because no one knew. I never told a soul — not even my closest friends. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I didn’t want anyone to know my business. But, I will now confess that I was a cheater and to this day not proud of what I did. I was not out to hurt anyone and that’s why no one knew. So, the cat’s out of the bag.
Even though I was a cheater, I still loved my girlfriend. I didn’t want to lose her but, at the same time, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. That’s exactly what I did. I made sure I did not get caught up in the girls I was cheating with. I knew they were flybys where they would come and go with no emotions attached. But, eventually I fell for another girl. Instead of deciding what to do and who I should leave, I was in love with two girls. So, I kept them both without them knowing. I basically had to live two lives and the funning thing was that it wasn’t a challenge. It all came too natural.
My mother shared stories with me about how my great-uncle was a ladies man. The reason she told me this was that my phone was always ringing when I wasn’t at home with different girls calling me. She never was mad about it, but found it quite entertaining because my siblings were the opposite of me. My mom would tell me stories about how my great-uncle had all these girlfriends and his wife got tired of it. For some unknown reason, he died eventually. My mom believed his wife poisoned him. Back in those days divorce was uncommon unlike today.
The only thing I had to do was play my cards right. I always made sure I hung out with both girlfriends. The only thing that as hard was the planning. Who was I going to spend time with and what time was I going to meet up with the other girlfriend? There would be times where I would go from one girlfriend to the other all in one day. I had to satisfy them both sexually, but I was really young so that wasn’t a problem. I just had to make sure I didn’t mix up the names otherwise there would be trouble. This went on for seven months and it was hard to keep up skating. I don’t know how I managed but I was also taking skate trips to local cities with friends of my mine. They knew about my long term relationship but not about my other girlfriend.
Both of my girlfriends were Asian. The best thing about that was that I was dating two Asian girls before it became a trend for white guys to go after Asian girls. I was ahead of the trend. As a matter of fact, I am always ahead of the trends.
On New Year’s Eve, both girls wanted to spend time with me. I felt like I was a rat cornered and I did not know what to do. I could not think of any answers either. I never thought the day would come when I wouldn’t have any solutions. I wasn’t about to tell these girls that I couldn’t hang out. Both of them were determined to spend New Year’s Eve with me and I couldn’t be at two places at once — unless they both wanted to go to same club. I’ve done that before. A club is easy to disappear in and go from one girl to another. I was able to do that with my first girlfriend.
I was a regular at a club I used to go to on Friday nights. I used to hook up with a girl there that was also a regular. I would bring my girlfriend with me because she always went to clubs. So, I would spend my night running from girl to girl and not get caught. My one friend thought what I was doing was fucked up but he was a true friend and never said anything.
Right before New Year’s Eve, as I was walking down the street with my girlfriend, she spotted her best friend’s boyfriend across the street holding hands with another girl. She was pissed. When I saw that, it reminded me of what I was doing behind her back. I couldn’t state my opinion because, just like this guy, I was also a fucking dog. She wanted to call her best friend right away and share the news. Luckily it was uncommon to have a cellphone then. She turned to me and asked what she should do. I gave her the best answer I could think of, but I was also thinking about how I was doing the same shit. I told her not to get involved and that he would eventually get caught. The reason I said that was because I knew he would.
I knew he was a cheater from the first day I met him. He had that pretty boy look. It was obvious he lived in New York City and she lived in Philly. I was the opposite of him. I wasn’t dumbass. A month went by and he confessed that he was cheating on her because the idiot got his other girlfriend pregnant.
So, anyway, both of my girlfriends wanted to start their new year with me. That morning, I went to work and my stomach felt a little weird, but I didn’t think nothing of it. An hour after I got to work, I was throwing up in the bathroom. And this goes on all morning. My boss saw how sick I was (stomach flu) and he sent me home. Even though I’m sick , I figure I would go downtown and pick up some movies at my video rental store. I figured that was probably going to be sick for a couple of days and stuck in my house so I might as well rent some movies. I get on the train and I feel fine. The only people that are on the train are, of course, tourists. By the time I get to my stop, my stomach feels funny. I get off the train, push all the slow ass tourists out of my way, run up two flights of stairs and throw up as soon as I get to the top. No one saw me because I ran and pushed everyone out of my way. I’m sure they all had to step over my puke when they got
to the top.
I walked over to my video store feeling better and rented some movies. I called up my girlfriend of seven months and asked her to pick me up at the train station. It was still early in the afternoon. I thought once she sees how sick I am she will understand why I can’t spend New Year’s Eve with her. She drove me to Quick Chek so I could pick up some soup. As soon as I got out of the car, I was once again puking all over the parking lot. I also heard from a distance, someone who knew me yelled “Hey, Bob you started a little early this New Year’s Eve!”
I went home and contacted my other girlfriend and told her I was sick. Then, I went to sleep. Both girlfriends called me later that night to wish me a happy new year when the ball dropped. That was the first time I was happy to be home on New Year’s Eve. Being sick saved my ass.